When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. Want to learn more about George Carlin from his own words? American Age, Pay, Hell. [CDATA[ Good. "Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesnt want you to do. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. And he always had a knack for packaging bigideas into small digestible pieces of humor. Some people see things that are and ask, Why? George Carlin. Live album by George Carlin, 1988. The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. 500 matching entries found. "),c=g;a[0]in c||!c.execScript||c.execScript("var "+a[0]);for(var e;a.length&&(e=a.shift());)a.length||void 0===d?c[e]?c=c[e]:c=c[e]={}:c[e]=d};var l=function(b){var d=b.length;if(0>. You must have a lot of stories to tell. - George Carlin. The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. ":"&")+"url="+encodeURIComponent(b)),f.setRequestHeader("Content-Type","application/x-www-form-urlencoded"),f.send(a))}}},s=function(){var b={},d=document.getElementsByTagName("IMG");if(0==d.length)return{};var a=d[0];if(! "Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. I dont wanna die. Maybe this time itll work., One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor., Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesnt mean the circus has left town., Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity., Its never just a game when youre winning., I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me theyre cramming for their final exam., Honesty may be the best policy, but its important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy., People who say they dont care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they dont care what people think., I dont have pet peeves I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!, Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that., A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff., If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little., Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin Birthday Quotes & Sayings . There's a humorous side to every situation. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders. TIME takes a look at some of the legendary comedian's most memorable lines . One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. What does it mean to pre-board? George Carlin. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. He had an uncanny ability to cut through the clutter of everyday life, and for this, we want to honor this man with our favorite inspirational quotes from George Carlin. But did you ever notice that we have no war on homelessness? George Carlin (2002). (e in b)&&0=b[e].k&&a.height>=b[e].j)&&(b[e]={rw:a.width,rh:a.height,ow:a.naturalWidth,oh:a.naturalHeight})}return b},t="";h("pagespeed.CriticalImages.getBeaconData",function(){return t});h("pagespeed.CriticalImages.Run",function(b,d,a,c,e,f){var k=new p(b,d,a,e,f);n=k;c&&m(function(){window.setTimeout(function(){r(k)},0)})});})();pagespeed.CriticalImages.Run('/mod_pagespeed_beacon','https://www.quotezine.com/25-insanely-funny-george-carlin-quotes/','YddRYU7ik1',true,false,'roxBCfcf6ZA'); And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.". If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. More, by Quotezine Team April 5, 2018, 5:42 pm, Do that every single day, and soon you have a wall, In this video, Will Smith delivers an inspiring speechdiscussing a lesson he learned while working for his fathers construction business. The big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. "Brain Droppings", Hyperion. Happy 60th Birthday! Being considered as one of the top comedians of all time, George is well known for his black humor, political views, observations on language, psychology, and religion along with many other taboo subjects. Tom, Id like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy. These days, Trajedi.63.If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?. The experiment raised a [] More, by Quotezine Team April 5, 2018, 5:36 pm. Carlin and his "Seven dirty words" comedy routine were central to the 1978 U.S. Supreme Court case F.C.C. Carlin Quotes - BrainyQuote. Showing search results for "George Carlin Birthday" sorted by relevance. Don't look for it. If you want to know more or withdraw your consent to all or some of the cookies, please refer to the. My heart felt wishes and blessings are coming your way on the wonderful occasion of your birthday. I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality - and it's not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing - it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street. In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. As for the poor, they tell us theyve lost all incentive because weve given them too much money.33.If it requires a uniform, its a worthless endeavor.34.Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. It is time to sing and dance, and it is time for birthday bumps! Every passing year brings in an experience and a hope for tomorrow. 1. There is nothing wrong with the planet. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? Below are the absolute best quotes we could find from this legendary comedian's career. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. Our goal is to help you by delivering amazing quotes to bring inspiration, personal growth, love and happiness to your everyday life. Home. "The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves.". "People are wonderful one at a time. Who said youre sixty? Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.". And armbands. One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. CBS / Landov "Weather tonight: dark. //]]>, by Quotezine Team November 3, 2013, 10:53 pm. Our goal is to help you by delivering amazing quotes to bring inspiration, personal growth, love and happiness to your everyday life. 65th Birthday Birthday Wishes Funny Birthday Friends Husband Advertising God Birthday Funny Catholic Humanity Driving Addiction Smile World Movies Reason Libraries Lies. It just becomes something more entertaining. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. He loves you. That's exactly what I want you to think. Despite selling out a Boston concert at $100 a seat just two days prior, his 45-minute set on 3.5 million dollar violin, only 6 passengers stopped to enjoy his music that day. George Carlin. Custom and user added quotes with pictures. Oftentimes, tasks can sometimes [] More, 99% of passengers couldnt identify this world class musician, Joshua Bell, a world class violinist, decides to play the violin for 45 minutes in a busy train station. 65th Birthday Birthday Wishes Funny Birthday Friends Husband Advertising God Birthday Funny Catholic Humanity Driving Addiction Smile World Movies Reason Libraries Lies. Long live the king. 1."Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. The challenge is to find it. When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world - and maybe yourself - that you're really smart after all. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I'm going to call the matrix of the mind. Took some time to get there, but it's absolutely amazing once you arrive. It is time to party! Teach them to question everything.15.We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. Showing search results for "George Carlin Birthday" sorted by relevance. The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity. It's your 60th birthday! You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. Enjoy the best George Carlin Quotes at BrainyQuote. Funny Birthday Wishes 60th Birthday Birthday Funny Getting Old 40th Birthday Jokes Diplomacy Aggressive 65th Birthday Birthday Friends If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrheadoes that mean that 1 enjoys it? To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. It will not be with jack-boots. I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose it'll be much harder to detect. "What Am I Doing in New Jersey?". Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. On your birthday, I promise to keep all your secrets, to flood you with gifts and never to miss a chance to make you smile. You are such a sweetheart babe! You know an odd feeling? He was born on May 12th, 1937 in Manhattan, New York and passed away on June 22nd, 2008 due to heart failure. v. Pacifica Foundation, in which a 54 decision affirmed the government's power to regulate indecent material on the public airwaves (wikipedia). Birthday Quotes - BrainyQuote. HAPPY BIRTHDAY. If you can find a solution to homelessness where the corporations and politicians can make a few million dollars each, you will see the streets of America begin to clear up pretty damn quick! The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. It always has been. 500 matching entries found. If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. Lets be honest: the man was whip smart and about as funny as you could get. Show more. I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.9.Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Like. Cars are a fairly unpleasant thing to have to draw. There is a mistake in the text of this quote. Custom and user added quotes with pictures. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends, This website or its third-party tools use cookies, which are necessary to its functioning and required to achieve the purposes illustrated in the cookie policy. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? George Carlin 60th Birthday Jokes Quotes & Sayings . What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Top 10 George Carlin Quotes. John Allison. There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. If you have quotes you would like us to cover, please contact us. "Don't just teach your children to read. Showing search results for "George Carlin 60th Birthday Jokes" sorted by relevance. I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. What does it mean to pre-board? You know an odd feeling? He's just sayin' that stuff.'. On your birthday, I just want to remind you that you are the best person I have ever met in my whole life. His parents split up when he was an infant because his . And I'd send him a card, 'Dear Mickey, Happy Birthday, Love George'. George Carlin. May your birthday be as sweet as you are. This post is not only a celebration to everything he stood for, but a reminder that some of the most powerful messages we receive in life can come from the most unlikely places. A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on it? Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. Thank you! I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. 32. The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every day we present the best quotes! If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?". Maybe this time itll work., 31.If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, youre going to have selfish, ignorant leaders.32.Conservatives say if you dont give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. #1. I don't do that, why, don't give a shit! I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. It's your birthday! George Denis Patrick Carlin was born May 12, 1937, in the Bronx, New York. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. Hope your year is better than those ears! Brain Droppings, Hyperion. Here you'll find all collections you've created before. The career of comedian George Carlin (1937-2008) spanned five decades, with his first appearance on "The Tonight Show" being in 1962.He was an outspoken, acerbic social critic, and what came out of his mouthcould be shocking or even sometimes vulgar, but often his railings against injustice or stupidity or corruption shone a light on some dark areas as he said things that others would or . The planet is fine . Showing search results for "George Carlin Birthday" sorted by relevance. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. After working on building a wall, brick by brick, for a year and a half, he realized that the approach to tackling any goal can be done in the same way. He loves you and he needs money. Electricity is really just organized lightning. Share with your friends. 1999. The Kennedy Center posthumously awarded this year's Mark Twain Prize for American Humor to George Carlin. Be happy with what you've got, because the owners of this country don't want that. 500 matching entries found. 1. Comedian Share with friends. God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well. Happy Birthday! George Carlin . Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. Every table had an argument going. Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. George will always be remembered by his fans for the influence he has had on various angles of their lives. I hate a group of people with a 'common purpose'. That's our history. Maybe this time it'll work. Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. Submit Quote George Carlin On Birthdays Quotes & Sayings Showing search results for "George Carlin On Birthdays" sorted by relevance. Weve learned how to make a living but not a life. I felt better right away. The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. Happy Birthday to you, my dearest friend. George Carlin's Estate, via HBO. Thank God people dont age as fast as other creatures, because otherwise youd be gone by now. Weve added years to life, not life to years.16.Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.17.When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. Authors; Topics; . When shes not writing for Quotezine, she can be found excessively quoting The Simpsons or binge watching Netflix. We just can't stop people from being homeless if that's their choice. So, I dislike and despise groups of people but I love individuals. Show more. Do you get on before you get on? These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.45.I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me theyre cramming for their final exam.46.I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.47.Tell people theres an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. When the passions have relaxed their hold, you may have escaped, not from one master but from many." Pope John XXIII: "Men are like wine. Wishing you a lot of surprises and happiness on your 65th Birthday. George Carlin Birthday Quotes & Sayings . If youre looking for a glimpse of what George Carlins comedy gigs look like, here is a masterpiece from his HBO special known as the Life Is Worth Living. Its an amazing and hilarious 10 minute clip offering a highlight of what this guy was capable of. Then you're just what they're looking for. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. Quotations by George Carlin, American Comedian, Born May 12, 1937. His stand up routines have covered everything from politics and religion to relationships and the world around us. Im just kidding. 3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?, p.205, Hachette UK. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. Login Sign Up. There's no present. Happy Birthday! Goofy would be a good name for this planet. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Happy 60th Birthday filled with lot of happiness and joy! I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven't changed much since I was in my twenties. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. We have the war on crime, the war on, There is a mistake in the text of this quote. I'm talking about the real owners now the real owners. And a list of people they're going to visit at 3am. George Carlin. You have owners. The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. Born in New York in 1937, George Carlin was an American comic icon, actor, social critic, and author. Our goal is to help you by delivering amazing quotes to bring inspiration, personal growth, love and happiness to your everyday life. Considered as one of the greatest stand-up comedians of all time, his distinctive and provocative style of speeches, aimed at ridiculing the vices of the American society, redefined the genre and influenced a great number of comics. It's your birthday! May your smile get brighter with each passing year. Napalm & Silly Putty, Hyperion. Maybe this time it'll work. Best of Carlin On Weather. "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.". Its been 5 years since his passing, and the world still feels a little emptier without him. You are not turning 60. One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. George Carlin quotes and jokes about humanity. The challenge is to find it. "Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. It is time to sing and dance, and it is time for birthday bumps! May your 60th Birthday be as magnificent as you are. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. 160 Copy quote. Whats the matter with you? "Carlin on Campus". Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. In a career that spanned over 50 years, what remained constant was his opinionated nature and take no prisoners approach to comedy. Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar., I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
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